( 6:28 PM ) cxjo  
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
why can't i figure out this whole sleep thing? i think i need to start doing drugs or something. or, maybe just doing more and different drugs.

i had the disturbing revelation the other day that my job has no end in sight. i mean, it's not really a bad thing.. i have a good job, they pay well, and i can get away with a lot as long as we're not within a month of a deadline (3 or 4 months out of the year). but i've really lived my whole life moving from tangible goal to tangible goal, and working just doesn't fit that. i guess it has a lot to do with the reward structure. with bonuses and options, the amount of monetary reward for your job is really a crapshoot, and generally has nothing to do with how well you did your job, whether you showed up to work before 10:30 everyday and stayed till at least 8pm... or whether you even looked at the source code that day. this causes the condition of learned helplessness, when doing a good job sometimes results in a reward, sometimes a punishment, and doing a bad job can also result in a reward or a punishment. or something. i donno... psychology is pseudoscience. anyway, so i've had these other goals in mind: sailing around the world, not paying rent, finding a girlfriend, living healthier, going to gradskul, and a few others i can't think of.. and these are all quite tangible things, easily encapsulated and dissected (except the healthy thing, which is less of a goal and more of a lifestyle change requiring daily upkeep and vigilence) but most of these things just come down to money and time. which comes back to work. i worked pretty hard the last few years, and the stock went into the toilet more and more, drowning my options in a violent surge. then last year, mike and juraj and i started a company and put tons of time into it, leaving me with less time to put into my regular job, and i'm rewarded with the biggest bonus i've had since 1999. blarg. i'm not making sense. let's start a new paragraph.

so anyway, i work hard, i get punished, i slack off, i get rewarded.... why should i try? i'm just waiting for the stock option lottery to swing my way, then i'm setting sail. waiting. waiting. waiting... in one year and one month, i will cash out my remaining options, find a renter, sell off my cars, give away/sell all my stuff, and get the hell out of town. if and when i get back, i'll worry about the rest.


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